The things that make us unhappy….

There seem to be quirks in all of us that tend to make no sense to other people. Things that make us want to say, “just STOP IT!” or “Get over it!!”.  Easy for us to say, ehh?  And then the quirks that we ourselves possess, when someone says that to us, we damn them for being insensitive.

A few examples:  I have never been able to quite understand how someone could feel so down about losing a significant other.  I tend to have a very high capacity to deal with this sort of thing. I know when things are over, and if it’s over, then okay.  Another chapter of my life has closed.  I hopefully walked away being a better person for it, having lived and learned and gathered life experience and equipment to take into my future life.  And if I find myself dwelling, then okay. Let’s find some way to take my mind off of it.  Go somewhere I’ve never been, see something I’ve never seen.  I am free to be me, and if that wasn’t my soul mate, then I will find someone who is.  I realize that this is not the way everyone is wired, that some people need much more time to get over something like this, assuming they ever will.

Personally, the most I can give myself to wallow in self-indulgent depression is two weeks.  Get the sadness out, eat some ice cream, watch some chick flicks, but then move onto the next thing.  Some things take only a day, but others, like losing my job, pretty much take up the full fourteen days.  Maybe I am doing long-term damage to myself by stuffing away these thoughts and emotions into a little box inside of me, but I know that if I get to the point that I can’t stand myself, how is anyone else going to feel about me?  Is pushing away all of my friends going to make me feel any better?  I thought not.

On the other side of the coin, I tend to collect the downtrodden, the kicked puppies, the woe-is-me-type.  I know that most people don’t have the patience for these people.  So I, maybe because I’m truly empathetic, maybe because I’m a glutton for punishment, or maybe because I feel that’s what Jesus (ain’t that some big shoes to try to fill?! Who the hell am I! Huh!) would have done, I try to be the ears for these people.  And this isn’t saying that I don’t truly love these people, but all of the woes eventually wear me down, too.  And so after the forty-thousanth “I’m down” or “I’m depressed” or “Wah I can’t find a job/girlfriend/whatever”, I will have my own “Get over it!” moment, and that shocks the hell out of them.  Because I’m supposed to be the friend who doesn’t go there.  Then I kick myself for being mean.  I’m not that friend…here, have a hug. Maybe things will look up for you one of these…years.

The other night I was listening to my friend’s podcast and he was interviewing the actress and singer, Jackie Tohn.  I liked her instantly, she seems like a really awesome and agreeable person.  She seemed like me in so many ways, especially in regards to how she is cool with her friends being from every type of background, religious and political belief, and how that was totally okay with her, as long as they didn’t begrudge her for not being just like them in their beliefs.  But then she was talking about how personable and chatty she was, and she wanted to tell shy people to just “STOP IT!”.  And that’s nothing against her, but I was like, man, I wish it were that easy!

As much as I try to tell myself that, looking from someone else’s point of view, I’m pretty awesome, that thought doesn’t translate too well in practice.  I am a terrible liar, and I have trouble telling myself that convincingly.  Confidence is not something I’ve ever had.  As far back as fifth grade, when we moved to a newer, consolidated school, to every time since where I’ve entered a new school or job or scenario with people I don’t know, I have told myself, this time will be different!  They don’t know you here! You can go in and be that super-bubbly girl, and everyone will like you!  But no, it never happens that way.  New people scare me, and I’m not a bullshitter; I have no idea what to say. I retreat into myself.  And then I’m that weird girl who reads all the time and keeps her headphones in.

I guess after all these years, if I can’t wear a poker face and change this aspect of my life, I am just going to have to embrace it.  Maybe not the shyness part, but the need to please.  Why do I seriously care so much?  Do I not have plenty of friends and people who love me, that I love?  If people don’t want to take the time to get to know me, then I don’t need them.  And as far as the increasing need to want to please the people who have crapped on me time and again, I’m done with that, too.  Nothing I can say or do will make these people love me, so I’m over it.  I can’t honestly tell my friends that they need to remove the poison in their lives if I can’t do the same thing.   As I said, there are plenty of people who do see me for who I am and like what they see, and if these people don’t, it’s their loss.  No sense in putting my panties in a wad and my heart on my sleeve for people who would have me turn myself into someone I didn’t like in order to please them.  This is Jebbica, the girl who has her own views and beliefs, is a little strange, a little clutsy, who makes mistakes but will apologize for them (and probably apologize for some stuff she didn’t even do too, just for good measure), but will go to the ends of the earth for you if should choose for a mutual relationship.  Take it or leave it.  And, if that’s not good enough for you, then I have some words for you:

GET OVER IT!!