(the) Jebbica

photo credit: Ezy Brenizzle

[digg-reddit-me]Perhaps I should begin my review of Twilight by mentioning that I’m 25-year-old woman. A woman who, as most women seem to, has a soft spot for moody, strong-but-silent, burdened by his curse, hot, sexy, vampires.  The first time I fell in love with a vampire was when I was introduced to Angel, the sexy vampire with a soul on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  I didn’t think there would ever be anyone better suited for Buffy…until Spike.  He was even more tortured than Angel, and he had a British accent. Winner.

My recent vamp obsession has been Bill from True Blood.  Same formula: a lone good vampire in a world of killers.  Angel and Spike drank pig’s blood.  Bill drinks a synthetic Japanese drink called “True Blood”.  Why he doesn’t kill animals and drink their blood instead, I don’t know, but I’m guessing it’s because they wanted to be politically correct?  True Blood was cheesy, not as good as Buffy/Angel by any means. But it brought back those days, and there was lots of T&A, swearing, and violence, so I came back week after week to see what would happen next.  But now True Blood is over, and I need a new vampire boyfriend.  I decided to see what all the fuss over Twilight was about.

I haven’t read the books yet, which I thought would make my movie-going experience more enjoyable.  A lot of times you read a book, and the movie can never measure up.  So, I thought if I saw the movie first, I wouldn’t have any expectations to make me feel like I had been ripped out of my $6.50 matinee fee.  My first mistake is I went to see this movie with three guys.  I’m just not a Girls’ Day Out kind of person.  And I think they could possibly have been the only guys in the theater.

Twilight had the same formula as Buffy, Angel, and True Blood.  A good vampire in a world of bad ones, hopelessly in love with a girl who was different from the rest. “And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.”  A hot, sexy, moody vampire, who lived off of blood from animals, but had an undeniable thirst for his lover’s plasma.

We all found the movie to be ridiculously cheesy, and we found ourselves laughing out loud at some of the more alleged moody parts.  When Edward, played by Robert Pattinson, first meets Bella, played by Kristen Stewart, he experiences some sort of “fang erection,” which he tries to hide with his hand.  And there were scores of other supposed romantic scenes that seemed ripped out of a bad soap opera.

You also know it’s a movie written by a woman (Stephanie Meyer), for women, when the vampires stay out of the sunlight because when they do, instead of bursting into flames, they get all “sparkly”.

However, Pattinson’s hotness definitely transfers better on film than by photograph. He is sex personified.  And every time socially awkward Edward could muster a smile, I felt my inner preteen screaming and I got weak in the knees.

The acting was good overall, but the writing was definitely lacking. And I felt myself getting seasick during more than one scene.  The thing that will bring me back to watch a sequel is more Pattinson (and his makeup) doing more sexy things. I don’t know what the rest of the guys in my group had to look forward to next.

Did you have a different opinion from me?  Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments! I would love to hear why you liked or disliked this film.

photo credit: Marxchivist

Did anyone watch the remake of Alvin and the Chipmunks?  I watched it last night. Could not.  Keep it together.  Every time Theodore said, “Can I sleep in the bed with you? I had a nightmare!” I started sobbing like a baby. Actually, I started sobbing every time I saw Theodore with his fat little CGI body and his big round eyes.  Okay, I admit it. I cried through the whole movie like a big sniveling wuss.

And it wasn’t the whole, “they’ve bastardized our childhood memories by remaking the classics” bullshit.  Because I think that’s preposterous.  You’re an adult now. It’s time to move on and let kid stuff be for kids. If you don’t like the way it’s been remade, then don’t watch it, or hang on to your childhood memory and let the kids laugh at damn CGI singing chipmunks.  And for a kid, it was an okay movie. But I’m twenty-five years old.  I can admit it: it’s not like the acting was great. It’s not like the graphics were even good. And it certainly wasn’t Ratatouille.

Still. I squalled like a baby through the whole thing.

I’m blaming it on my period.